William Russell Yates Tackles the Midriff

William Russell Yates is a fictitious advice columnist invented by Malcolm Yates’13 and William Harris’13. He will make weekly appearances for the purpose of assisting readers with their inquiries into the depths of the human condition.

Dear William Russell Yates,

I am writing because I have not been having very much sex. Needless to say, I am worried about not having very much sex. I care nothing for contact or intimacy and therefore that is not my motive in writing, but I am, when reflecting on my physical condition (a slight paunch and lumpy midriff), distressed by the lack of a certain level of tightness. I hear people as they look at me; they mutter and hiss; they improvise pudge with their hands; they fart; they teeter, slowly, from one foot to the other, in mockery of my gait. I have ascertained sex is a mode of achieving self-improvement; my general flop, if reduced via sex, could lead to a noticeable and socially beneficial bettering of my self. After conducting research, I have gleaned that prostitution is not the means to my end. (It is not, it seems, a thorough and severe enough session.) Perhaps you, I wonder, are a fan of sport? Perhaps you would like to meet in the lobby of the Holiday Inn on Tuesday at 11 p.m.?


Chubby Double Entendre in Alaska

Dear Chubby Tundra,

Please stop writing in. When writing in, please do address the posted Advice Theme of the Week. For instance, this last week’s theme was Ghosts and Spirits in the Home: Are they Friends or Foes? Your piece was only loosely related. Perhaps you misunderstood. Does the spectral form of your better self creep silently through your life, pacing beside you in unseen lock-step, drifting eerily in the shadow’s world that lies just the other side of sleep? Sure. But please do address the theme a little more directly in the future. Except don’t. Please stop writing in. Concerning our upcoming Advice Theme of the Week—it is Help! I Think My In-laws Are Planning to Sell My Organs! Note that this topic does not apply to the unmarried. Nor to those whose organs are not remotely worth selling.

Please stop writing in,

William Russell Yates



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