Sh*t First-Years Should Know

DAN BIRKHOLZ, Contributor

Contrary to their general air of importance, most upperclassmen have no objection to socializing with first-years—especially if you bring a peace offering to the conversation. I suggest High Life or used clothing. Don’t be shy. We like making new friends, too.

—Call your mother. The amount of time spent talking to your mom on the phone is directly proportional to the amount of care packages you will receive. More phone time = more cookies. And no, emailing doesn’t count; she wants to hear your beautiful voice full of love and enthusiasm. Also, she’ll remind you to do stuff you’ve completely forgotten about.

—Join clubs. You’ll meet some really cool people and do some really neat-o things. Don’t be nervous about going to meetings—they want you to join. Go to the Student Activities Fair on Sept. 12 to find out more.

Your roommate will accidentally lock you out of the room while you’re in the shower at least once. Call security from the hall phone (or a friend’s cell), tell them what’s up and they’ll come unlock your door for you. You have an open invitation to f*ck with your roommate.

—Security is your friend, not your enemy. I know you’ve probably developed an “eff the police” kind of attitude in high school, which is fine. But campus security is not the police. They want to help you, not bust you.  As long as you’re not being a total dumbass, security is in favor of you having a good time and doesn’t want to c*ckblock your party.

—Go to the Folk ‘n’ Blues Festival. Seriously. Go to Folk ‘n’ Blues.

—Don’t know something? Ask someone. People here get paid to answer all your seemingly annoying questions. The Liberal Arts in Practice Center (LAPC) will get you an internship. The Office of International Education (OIE) will make you a scholarly globetrotter. Financial Aid will save you money. The Mail Center will teach you how to mail things to Europe. Don’t know where to go? Ask your RA. They know everything.

—Communicate with your sexual partners. Get a sober verbal yes and make sure you both want the same thing. You sober? You got protection? You into this kinda thing? How far are we going to take this? Talk to your partner before and after about what the “hookup” means. Do not assume you are on the same page: some people see having sex equivalent to having a casual cup of tea, but others may think having sex is the same thing as a Facebook official relationship.  Prevent those awkward situations by communicating with your partner while sober. Let’s be honest, your drunk self doesn’t usually have the purest priorities.

—Three best places to poop on campus: Science Center, Chapin’s Chamber of Secrets and French House’s lawn.



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