ARI JACOBS, Staff Writer
No Child Left Behind vs. Team Phenom: Forfeit, Team Phenom
Members of both teams left their houses precisely at the stroke of 11:00 a.m. in a race to forfeit the match. No Child Left Behind performed brilliantly in tribute to their eponymous government program, leaving fellow team members in the dust as the upperclassmen stuffed their faces with donuts at Old Fashioned Bakery. “Glazed is my favorite,” said Kyle Schwab ’13, shoveling an asphyxiating fistful of donut into his mouth. Robert E. Lee, transfer student and not a confederate general, then shouted “Food fight! Also, screw the Union,” and began throwing frosted sweets indiscriminately around the store. The Battle of the Bakery lasted for several minutes, costing dollars of damages in crumbled donuts.
Meanwhile, Mathew Kahl ’13 of Team Phenom was unable to persuade his fellow team members to quit playing Cornhole. Team Phenom forfeited the match.
AmeriTRON vs. Phys Plant: 7 – 11
Tron struggled in the first half to say anything negative about each other. “Stop being such a…. tease and come over and give me a big ol’ hug,” said Paul Remington’13, teary-eyed, to Tron handlers suffering from a case of butterfingers. “I love you man, but really, we can do this, I just know it!” Remington said to Ben Siebert ’12, handing him a handful of flowers he picked just before the game.
Phys Plant ran a specially designed zone defense against AmeriTRON in which the basketball members of their team surrounded Tron handlers and completely blocked out any source of light. “Oh my God, where am I?” said Carolyn Smith ’13 of Tron as local giant James Lazarcik ’14 towered over her. “Hey guys, look what I can do,” said Lazarcik as he jumped his own height and swatted a Frisbee in the air. He then punched a hole in the turf with his bare fists for fun. “I’m the man,” he concluded.
BP 2012 vs. Purple Reign: 13 – 7
Members of Purple Reign spent the game throwing the Frisbee as far as they possibly could across Karris Field. “I totally work out. Check out these guns!” said Vince Salucci ’12 as he hucked a Frisbee and hit a nearby pedestrian. “Yep. I killed him,” noted Salucci, flexing his muscles.
BP 2012 embraced their victory with a sudden stroke of genius. Purple Reign, they realized, have a professional football player on their roster. BP 2012 beat Purple Reign in an athletic competition. Therefore, members of BP 2012 are more athletic than professional football players. The sympathetic members of BP 2012 decided not to declare NFL draft eligibility in order to give other professional athletes a chance at successful careers.