Entertainment

Top Ten

LOUIS BRUNEAU, Contributor

Beloit College’s Top Ten Favorite Consistencies Of Carpet:

1. Rough & sweaty

2. Sparking

3. Wiggly, but not wavey

4. Bubble wrap-esque

5. Condom

6. Ochre

7. Slabby

8.Touchy-feely

9. Sparse

10. Linoleum

 

Top Ten New Features Of The Relocated Nikki’s Cafe:

1. Free coffee punchcards grafted to skin for easy access

2. Steaming hot coffee poured D I R E C T L Y O N Y O U R C R O T C H

3. Loose-bean brews (crunchy)

4. Nikki bought some rocket boots

5. Cats you can pay to pet

6. Artificial lake of French vanilla creamer

7. Stainless steel bathrooms, the whole nine yards, toilet seats, fuggedhaboutit

8. Pure uncut Colombian blends

9. Laminated copies of The New Yorker (because your hands are filthy)

10. Biscotti swizzle-sticks

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