News

Beyond the Bubble

 

HANA SKOBLOW, Staff Writer

 

  • On Apr. 15, Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg performed at Coachella with 2Pac and Nate Dogg. Sort of. The deceased artists performed via hologram. The company swears that the holograms are so realistic that if people hadn’t heard about the guest stars, they were probably convinced that 2Pac and Nate Dogg were standing in front of them. Sources also said that Eminem was going to be beamed in with a hologram, but I’m not sure whether or not that happened, and either way, it’s way less cool.
  • Rick Santorum’s three-year-old daughter, Bella, became a lifelong member of the NRA. On the fitting date of Friday the 13th, Santorum terrifyingly declared the toddler’s gun affinity. Let me remind you: Bella is three. At three, most children are just learning how to throw a ball overhead and most of their sentences are about five words long; they cannot yet hop on one foot. It’s obviously responsible to publicly announce that this child supports weaponry.
  • Titanic excavators have exciting news: they may have finally found evidence of human remains from the infamous shipwreck. To date, no bodies have ever been found from the Titanic, due to disintegration or scattering, but the team found clothing at the bottom of the sea, and James Delgado, director of maritime heritage at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration calls this “faint but unmistakable evidence that this is where people came to rest.” When the average Americans heard this news, they were flooded with one, burning question: what if it’s Jack?
  • Did you get lucky at a Megadeth/Motorhead concert in Chicago? Do you have a red mohawk, snakebites, and black pentagram gauges? An anonymous woman posted in the Missed Connections section of Craigslist that she is looking for a man fitting this description. She would like him to know that he impregnated her. On the plus side, she also says that he “had a nice c*ck.” The post ends with a heartbreaking message to him: “Contact me if you want to be a part of your child’s life.”
  • Ever wondered how the population of animals is counted? I don’t know or care how it happened before, but I know how the world of animal census counts is being revolutionized! Recently, scientists used satellite photography to capture pictures of emperor penguins for the first time in history. The photographs revealed that there are actually four more colonies and twice as many penguins as were previously believed. Silly scientists not knowing anything about penguins.

 

Sources: Fuse, The Hill, Nerve, MSNBC, National Geographic


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