With spring weather prematurely ejaculating all over campus and happy energy radiating from the quad, it’s only fitting that lovers are sneaking back to their dorms for an afternoon fornication session. It’s hard not to be in the mood with the warm sun filtering through the blinds, the chickadees singing, and professors letting us out 10 minutes early. This is all very exciting until I think about how many hairballs and crusty pieces of death my roommates and I cleaned off our living room rug yesterday in lieu of spring cleaning, and that got me thinking about the last time any of us have actually checked the length of our toenails, etc.
So, my little horny squirrels, I bring you, Five Ways to Spring Clean Your Sex Life:
1. Your winter fuck buddy that kept you warm in bed but gave you nasty, watered down hot chocolate? Spring clean that shit.
2. Paint your toenails and take your socks off during the deed (unless you’re someone who likes the feeling of your toes encased in cotton, like me).
3. See how far you can get on a mound.
4. Make a sexy spring playlist. Brooding? Listen to “What the Water Gave Me” by Florence and the Machines. Want some mindless ear candy? Try “Bubbletoes” by Jack Johnson. Super hyped for this weather? Listen to “Indian Summer” by Joe Walsh.
5. Steal grapes from commons. Eat fruit in bed together. There’s something about fresh fruit in the spring that’s sexy. Whipped cream is optional…