By Louis Bruneau
When the Round Table contacted me and asked if I could do a housing application review, I was shocked. Didn’t they know I already printed my own paper/periodical/graphic zine (“My Preciousest Moments Magazine” – Only $13.85 for one year of biweekly subscriptions!) and was factually in process with the same exact idea for next week’s issue?
Granted, this was not the ﬁrst time a well-known publication had stolen my intellectual property. I remember the heady days of 2003 and how “MAD Magazine” stole my joke about the next Grand Theft Auto game featuring an “Amish mode” a mere month after I told Greg Bickford, in conﬁdence, that it would be cool if GTA had horses & buggies.
But I digress, the Round Table will have their day in court. Until then, I present Housing Application Review Fall 2011 in the most readily palatable format for today’s mushy modern minds: an alphabetized list.
Not enough room to answer the question, What role do farts play in your life?, considering that the frequency with which I fart is the second-least desirable thing about me (The ﬁrst being, of course, that I voted for John McCain. True story). That they did not work a Jackson Pollock/splatter paint angle into their questions about zombie apocalypse is a sad thing indeed, although I give them credit for having their ﬁnger on the contemporary pulse because zombies are the Banksy of movie monsters – terrifying and more than forty years old.
“Write any last word to shock/surprise/enlighten us — make us pick you!”: Sphincter.
Final conclusion: In another life, I would live in Art House because I know they have that cool House of Leaves thing going on where closets are crammed into places they should not be and there is a kitchen on the second ﬂoor where I would get a popcorn maker and point it out the window, letting popcorn bombard the passers-by.
Pretty straight-forward, so I’ll skip to the “Fun ?s.”
If you could have dinner with any person alive/deceased who would it be?: If this person is also making the dinner, I would say burgeoning chef and cranky rock guy Steve Albini, taking into consideration our dual passions for glasses and yelling.
What’s your favorite childhood memory?: Reading “Ender’s Game” in ﬁfth grade and feeling proud of myself despite not understanding or remembering any of it.
French House/Slow Food Co-op
In case you were not aware, the Slow Food Co-op has moved itself into French House and rejuvenated the formerly quiet territory, promising plenty for all the folks and hanging their colorful banners everywhere, so in this case I am reviewing both of their applications in this spot. French House’s sheet still retains the questions that cater to their countrymen’s fondness for making animal noises and drawing said animals with berets and cigarettes, while smoking.
The Slow Food Co-op
Has an exciting new two-page form, laying out the tenets of their platform and asking members to contribute to labor that strengthens the people and the party. I am quite enthusiastic about this group of young upstarts and look forward to their glorious new reign!
Tell us the best food joke you know: A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a Denny’s. All are oﬀended by what they see.
I did not know that we had a Geology House; I guess they have “outrageous wallpaper.”
A lot of questions which I can tell result from their acceptance of all faiths. Life sure is tricky sometimes!
What is the relationship between your big toe and your second toe?: Blood relatives.
Are you quote-worthy? Please give us a funny quote for our quote board: I sleep naked so if I wet the bed, I don’t have to take a shower. I wake up and I’m golden!
Your answers will be conﬁdential! Only the oﬃcers of Japan Club will look at them! After that we will dispose of them Yakuza-style. Poor taste, Japan Club. In addition, your boldness on #5 (Which Japan Club members would you never, ever want to live with in-house?) is an aﬀront to traditional Japanese passive-aggression.
“What is your favorite Japanese monster?”: Sagawa Issei (佐 川 一政)
I like the typewritten-and-then-photocopied questions, very DIY.
Would you rather: A) Every time you climb a set of stairs higher than 6 steps you are obligated to loudly quote Family Guy. B) Every time you say “I love you,” two ﬂies ﬂy out the corner of your mouth.: A, because I could pass oﬀ my belabored breathing as quoting Peter after winning the golden ticket to Pawtucket Pat’s beer factory and then tripping and falling in front of his house. You can telepathically communicate with one super badass animal. You can ride it, talk to it, it is your best friend.
Describe that animal.: A much larger duck with butterﬂy wings & teeth. It is blue.
Good questions and short, easily the best application so far.
I don’t like that you insist I am willing to go to BSC/Belfast/ResLife and especially do not care for those exclamation points. Very rude.
Do you hug trees?: Once, when I was 14 and curious…
Are you willing to let it mellow when it’s yellow?: Hahahahahahahaha oh this is a real question.Yes, yes I am. Perhaps too willing.
Can I borrow your shirt?: Not the tiger ones.
Tell us a bad joke.: Democracy (Alternate answer: Objectivism)
I would deﬁnitely consider living in OEC because I now remember what their acronym stands for.
Peace & Justice
Well, looka this! It’s a hand-drawn questionnaire with things in the shape of the question that is about them! An oven, a plate, a big fat pencil. Wowee!
Write a story that includes the following words: spaghetti, Mr. Potato Head, ﬁst.: All I can think of are scenarios where “ﬁst” would be a verb and I don’t think I’m allowed to do that. Sorry. I wouldn’t be a good ﬁt for Peace & Justice anyhow. I’m a misanthrope.
Too many words/partially in Spanish. I have a hard enough time trying to convince myself I remember French.
How would you describe SPIEL?: Like camp, but for adults. [Imagine I made a quip here about milkshakes that involved Kelis and/or There Will Be Blood. I am going to send this piece to SNL.]
What quotation would you, if forced, use as a model for the rest of your life?: “Hell is also yourself.” – R. Crumb
The lack of Russian House applications supports my theory that they are secretly the best special interest house, assuming you can appreciate its rustic wildness and the ever-present smell of soup. Boy, I really fell oﬀ towards the end there. Sorry again.