By Sasha Debevec-McKenney
It’s wintertime and I miss baseball a lot. But if the true test of fandom is whether or not I miss it enough to watch “Baseball Wives,” then I am a true fan. Or maybe just desperate. Either way, I watched the pilot of the (faux) reality show and decided to compare the usefulness of each wife/ex-wife/girlfriend/ex-girlfriend to the show, to the usefulness of each baseball husband/ex-husband/boyfriend/ex-boyfriend to the sport of baseball. Here are the results:
Anna Benson vs. Kris Benson
HE: pitched for the Mets for a season and won a bronze medal in the Olympics in 1996.
SHE: can’t comb her hair and/or has really bad extensions. However, this is her only negative. She is clearly the star of the show. She loves fur and carries a firearm in her purse—this is reality television gold.
DECIDING FACTOR: She calls herself (rightly): “the most exciting thing to happen to the Mets since’86.”
Tanya Grace vs. Mark Grace
HE: is a three-time All-Star, four-time Gold Glove winner, World Series Champion and was dropped off Hall of Fame ballot after his first year of eligibility.
SHE: manages to hook up with a dude (clearly at least 10 years her junior) using the pick up line: “I wanna taste your gum!” Impressive.
DECIDING FACTOR: Mark Grace played on the Diamondbacks with Craig Counsell, who has my all-time favorite batting stance.
Chantel Kendall vs. Jason Kendall
HE: has a weird-shaped face, was never as good of a catcher as Ivan Rodriquez, and has been beaned 254 times.
SHE: is clearly on-edge, and has dealt with 20 years of drug and alcohol abuse, but doesn’t believe in the word sober. She has cool tattoos and (although this claim may deserve more in-depth research) the biggest boobs of all the wives.
DECIDING FACTOR: This one was close. Chantel is good reality TV, but Jason Kendall was one of my favorite people to play with on Backyard Baseball because, whenever he came up to bat, they’d cat-call him with “Hey Ken-doll, where’s Barbie?” I still think that’s funny.
Brooke Villone vs. Ron Villone
HE: has played for twelve different teams and is an okay-reliever.
SHE: is a model, and has the least-slutty fashion sense on this show. She has yet to raise her voice, which is not a good sign for reality television viewers.
DECIDING FACTOR: I hate the Yankees and Ron Villone’s inability to pitch surely caused the Yankees to lose a few times. So, thanks Ron Villone.
Erika Williams vs. Matt Williams
HE: used steroids (allegedly…) but is somehow still a partial owner of the Diamondbacks.
SHE: is the only wife with a real job (she works as a news anchor) and is the older, wiser wife of the group.
DECIDING FACTOR: Being older and wiser means being easily offended, and I’m excited for all the drama that results from her being constantly surrounded by offensive women.
Jordana Lenz vs. Nyjer Morgan
HE: goes by the nickname “Tony Plush” and is really entertaining in interviews. He’s good at baseball, too.
SHE: is what they call a “cleat-chaser.” She also dated him for a year before he got famous—so I’m not really sure why she’s on this show at all or showing up at his hotel unexpectedly.
DECIDING FACTOR: She is crazy, he is Nyjer Morgan. Crazy is good for television, but Morgan was a big factor in the Brewers winning the NL Central. My only hope is that as he gets better and more famous, he develops better taste in women.