The Joy Of…Queefing

Round Table’s resident sex columnist gets spicy with the President’s gnomes. PHOTO BY HANNAH WARREN

By Joy Belamarich

Okay. Let’s be real. It’s happened to the best of us. You’re in bed with someone sexy, the bed sheets are getting warm, and you’re finally feeling really good.  And then he gets the
genius idea to swing your leg over one of his shoulders and- –PHFFFFT.  Ah, yes.  You didn’t know your vagina could make such a convincing post-nachos fart.  I mean, Jesus, why didn’t we discover this sound when all the smelly middle school boys were making their armpits fart?

Anyway, after this setback, you either (1.) Glance at him, your face distorted in some pained expression, and burst into hysterical explanation about the human body and the
anatomical construction of the vagina. (2.) Giggle and giggle and giggle. While he laughs— kind of. Or, (3.) Book it. Out of there.

I admit: it’s pretty embarrassing.  But mostly it’s just startling.  And why is it that it’s always with that one special person? My high school sweetheart, a British Ginger who I was sure would one day give me little freckled Japanese babies, made me queef like a soggy whoopee cushion.  And I was crazy about him.  Sex with him was mind-blowingly
awesome. He gave me my first orgasm.  As you can imagine, we barely noticed the sounds after awhile.

So, while queefing might throw you out of your pre-orgasm concentration and remind you of your grandpa after Sunday brunch, it forces you to acknowledge that your body is a
part of the equation.  And the bottom line is, your partner is over it much sooner than you are, and, while you’re ducking under the blankets hiding your face, they’re already planning their next big move—making you come.

Do you have any questions for Joy on queefing or any other sexy uh-oh’s? Did something happen in bed this weekend that you still can’t quite figure out? Put them in her box, 1554, or email her at joybela@gmail.com with these and any other relationship



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