Sports

The Ultimate Fantasy Draft

By Mark Coogan and Bert Connelly
SPORTS and ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT EDITORS

Ever wondered what would happen if
G-Baby stepped up to the plate against
Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn? Mark and Bert
did. They decided to pick their own dream
teams from every baseball movie ever. What
followed was a draft – a fantasy-fantasy draft.
Each team selected eight position players as
well as starting and closing pitchers. Bert –
“Moises Alou’s Pee Hands” – won the rock-
paper-scissors game and got to pick first.  So
here it is, the 2011 Movie League Baseball
draft.

1) “Moises Alou’s Pee Hands” selects SS
Benny the Jet Rodriguez, played by Mike
Vitar in “The Sandlot.”
2) “Sammy Sosa’s Corked Bat”, Mark,
selects SP Billy Chapel, played by Kevin
Costner in “For the Love of the Game.”
3) Bert selects OF Roy Hobbs, played by
Robert Redford in “The Natural.” Bert has
now chosen two different players who have
literally hit the cover off of the baseball.
4) Mark remains focused on pitching
and selects CP Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn,
played by Charlie Sheen in “Major League
I and II.” Pitching wins championships.
Charlie Sheen just wins.
5) Bert selects one of the few 3B to ever
be given a movie credit in George “Buck”
Weaver, John Cusack in “Eight Men Out.”
6) Mark selects OF Willie Mays Hayes,
played by Wesley Snipes in “Major League.”
NOT the one played by Omar Epps in
“Major League II.” That guy sucks.
7) Bert selects OF “T-Rex” Pennebaker,
played by Brian White in “Mr. 3000.”
8) Mark selects OF “Shoeless” Joe Jackson,
the D.B. Sweeney version from “Eight Men
Out.”
9) “Shoeless” Joe Jackson makes his second
appearance in the draft, this time played by
Ray Liotta in “Field of Dreams.” (Although
it should be noted that the “Field of Dreams”
version of Shoeless Joe bats and throws with
the historically incorrect hands.)
10) Mark Selects 1B Jack Elliot, played by
Tom Selleck in “Mr. Baseball.”
11) Bert selects 1B Lou Gehrig, played
by Gary Cooper in “The Pride of the
Yankees.”
12) Mark selects another real life Yankee
legend in OF Mickey Mantle, played by
Thomas Jane in “61*.”
13) Bert selects SP Ebby Calvin “Nuke”
Laloosh, played by Tim Robbins in “Bull
Durham.”
14) Mark selects SS Jarius “G-Baby” Evans,
played by DeWayne Warren in “Hardball.”
Mark admits that G-Baby never played
shortstop in the movie, but dares you to
watch the movie and not cry. That’s what
Mark thought. G-Baby can do whatever he
wants.
15) Bert selects CP Henry Rowengartner,
played by Thomas Ian Nicholas in “Rookie
of the Year.” FUNKY BUTT LOVIN’!
16) Mark selects 2B Dennis Ryan, played
by Frank Sinatra in “Take Me out to the
Ballgame.”
17) Bert selects 2B Mickey Dominguez,
played by Wilmer Valderrama in “Summer
Catch.” Yo’ Mamma.
18) Mark breaks the gender barrier and
selects 3B Doris Murphy, played by Rosie
O’Donnell in “A League of Their Own.”
19) Kevin Costner makes his second
appearance in this draft as Bert selects C
Crash Davis, from “Bull Durham.” Bert is
awfully proud of this pick.
20) Mark selects C Jack Parkman, played
by David Keith in “Major League II. “
Why “Sammy Sosa’s Corked Bat”
is better than “Moises Alou’s Pee
hands”:
We have dominant pitching. I’ll admit
Parkman and Mantle may not be the best
guys to have in the clubhouse, but Frankie
Blue Eyes’ crooning could easily calm them.
I know Crash Davis seems like a great pick,
but please remember that he is a career
minor-leaguer. Jack Parkman makes the
women in Cleveland sick, but he can slug.
Plus there’s G-Baby.
Why “Moises Alou’s Pee Hands” is
better than “Sammy Sosa’s Corked
Bat”:
Have you seen “The Sandlot”? I mean,
seriously, Benny The Jet beat the Beast in
a foot race. Also, I have a legit 12-yeard old
on my team, the better Shoeless Joe, no one
with coke habits and, most importantly, no
one who throws like a girl.
So who has the better team? Please voice
your opinion at bcroundtable.wordpress.
com.

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