By Mark Coogan
The NFL kicked oﬀ another season last night when the Packers and
Saints squared oﬀ in Green Bay. You may already know who won that
game, but you can’t possibly know who will win the games on Sunday and
Monday yet. That’s what I’m here for.
Cincinnati at Cleveland
You can call this one the “Battle for Ohio” or the “Battle for Andrew
Luck,” but please, do not subject yourself to watching this terrible, terrible
game. Colt McCoy and Cleveland win 17-7.
Detroit at Tampa Bay
The Lions have drafted well over the last few years and are starting to
get some talent in all the right places. As hard as it is to pick against my
Buccaneer brethren, Lions win this one 17-14.
Pittsburgh at Baltimore
Ray Lewis and Ed Reed come into this game with a combined age of 250
years. Look for Ben Roethlisberger to have a big day and James Harrison
to be ﬁned $50,000. Steelers win a slugfest, 17-14.
Indianapolis at Houston
Between Matt Schaub, Arian Foster, and Andre Johnson, the Texans
should be able to put up 40 points. It’ll take a huge day from Peyton
Manning for the Colts to keep pace. Wait, what? Kerry “Old and Fat”
Collins is Indy’s quarterback?!? Oh boy. Texans win big, 34-13.
NY Giants at Washington
Rex Grossman is the starting quarterback for the Washington Redskins.
‘Nuﬀ said. Giants win 24-7.
Minnesota at San Diego
Phillip Rivers goes crazy in this game and Donavon McNabb causes
Vikings fans to go crazy. It won’t be long before Vikings fans are calling
for Christian Ponder to take snaps. Not long at all. Like the end of the
ﬁrst quarter. Chargers take this one 27-13.
Carolina at Arizona
The Kevin Kolb era starts in Arizona and the Cam Newton era starts in
Carolina. Unfortunately for Newton, everyone gets paid to play football in
the NFL. Newton struggles and the Cardinals win, 26-13.
New England at Miami
In just one game, Dolphins ticket sales will surpass that of the Florida
Marlins, their roommates at Sun Life Stadium. Unfortunately, you need
more than fans to win football games. Pats win in a rout, 38-13.
Atlanta 31 at Chicago 28
Oakland 12 at Denver 34
Dallas 21 at NY Jets 24
Seattle 16 at San Francisco 21
Tennessee 21 at Jacksonville 13
Eagles 45 at Rams 17
Buﬀalo 3 at Kansas City 29