By Ari Jacobs
Sodali-toss vs. Sticks and Stones: 12:00
A Salt and Battery vs. WTF: 12:00
Seven Wonders vs. Rock River 69’ers: 1:00
Tribe vs. Purple Reign: 1:00
F*ck Tron vs. Raptor Point: 2:00
Reggie Kush vs. Hot Snatch: 2:00
Avatar vs. Team Phenom: 3:00
Old School vs. Prison B*tches: 3:00
F*ck Tron vs. Manifest Destiny: 4:00
Old School vs. Reggie Kush: 12:00
Avatar vs. Prison B*tches: 12:00
Sodali-toss vs. Team Phenom: 1:00
F*ck Tron vs. Rock River 69’ers: 1:00
Manifest Destiny vs. Sticks and Stones: 2:00
Hot Snatch vs. WTF: 2:00
Tribe vs. A Salt and Battery: 3:00
Seven Wonders vs. Purple Reign: 3:00
Sodali-toss vs. Raptor Point: 4:00
The Frisbee Report
Rock River River 69’ers vs. WTF: 13-4
Tony Barrati ’11, local Titan and sworn enemy of Zeus and the rest of the Greek pantheon, at one point threw a hammer successfully to a Rock River teammate. Barrati celebrated his athletic victory by summoning a lightning bolt from the sky into his hand, thrusting it fanatically into the air, lifting his middle fingers in grandeur to the clouds above, and screaming, “Suck it!” He then ran up and down the field waving his arms around in circles.
Team WTF had an equally fun time kicking each other in martial arts practice just minutes after the game, supposedly for fun, but probably out of sheer rage.
Team Phenom vs. Hot Snatch: 9-11
The Cavanagh family of Phenom displayed great team chemistry on the field this past weekend. David Cavanagh ’13 spent the entire game throwing bombs downwind to Brad Cavanagh ’11, who enjoyed catching passes in the end zone without the perpetual threat of other super humans breaking his bones into subatomic particles. Barb Cavanagh, mother and part-time overseer of the College, expedited her sons’ efforts by offering up dinner as a reward.
Hot Snatch, believing the game was not as close as it seemed, made the game seemingly closer they ever thought believable, but not possibly as close as others might make it seem, unless seemingly otherwise.
Old School vs. Sticks and Stones: 9-5
In one, kind-of swift, but pretty much immobile, feat of strength, the geriatric ward of Old School dropped their canes to the ground and gave the environmentalists of Sticks and Stones a classic spanking, much like the spankings the Sticks and Stones’ great-great-great-great-great grandmothers gave to the Sticks and Stones’ great-great grandkids.
The Sticks of Sticks and Stones represented their entire team with only six people. The Stones were evidently on a geology field trip observing the mating season for Midwestern rocks in all its full glory.
Avatar vs. Manifest Destiny: 8-1
Brt Connelly ‘13 handled for Avatar on Saturday and moved much faster without the “e” in his first name that normally weighs him down. Sources indicate the Brt has potential to rival many Track athletes in speed by losing the second “e” in his last name. In other news, Jackson Wlkns ’13 is now probably the fastest man in the city of Beloit.
The Phi Psi members of Manifest Destiny spent the rest of their day dressed in suits, smoking cigars, and drinking Patron from the bottle while playing a live version of “Risk” using the indian mounds as nation-states.
Purple Reign vs. Reggie Kush: 10-5 (?)
The upperclassmen athletes of Purple Reign introduced the freshmen athletes of Reggie Kush to the real world of intramural frisbee this past weekend. “Welcome to Beloit!” said David Bremner ’12 as he spiked a frisbee on the head of a nearby Kush member in the end zone, money-shot style. The good sportsmanship would continue throughout the game. Kenny Andejeski ’12, for example, bowed in the second half as he defecated on the face of a Reggie Kush member who had just laid out for a frisbee. “I bet you weren’t expecting to catch that!” said Andejeski to the freshman.
Prison B*tches vs. A Salt and Battery: 3-7
Perhaps it was the serendipitous alignment of Pluto with Jupiter’s second moon that just happened to transverse a nearby asteroid which almost collided with Earth nearly three millennia ago. Or perhaps it was the fact that Prison B*tches came to the game having just finished a thirty mile barefoot run the along shallow channel of Rock River, wearing backpacks filled with boulders or arbitrary metal objects that their coach decided would make their lives a veritable living hell. In any case, A Salt and Battery won their first game this season, if not ever.
Most members of A Salt and Battery celebrated their win by sitting wide-eyed in complete stillness under the sun for several minutes. Some ecstatic A Salt and Battery members shared several droplets of drool with the grass. Other members simply passed out.
Seven Wonders vs. Raptor Point: Rescheduled
Members of Raptor Point began the game at home. They sat around staring at the walls of Wood Tower, pondering what it would it be like to throw a frisbee at that exact moment. They then wondered if moments were real units of time. Can you define seconds as moments? How many moments make up a second? How many moments are there until brunch? Raptor Point’s own inquiries left them stumped for some time. After several minutes of thinking, members of Raptor Point concluded that, indeed, the letters “mom” in “moments” is one heck of a coincidence. They also ended the game at home.
Tribe vs. Rock River 69’ers: 4-7
Valdemaras Ralzys ’11 of Rock River 69’ers dressed appropriately for the warm weekend, wearing engineered yellow short-shorts designed specifically to maximize air flow through upper leg extremities and allow all onlookers a lateral vision of his pink undergarments.
Aaron Joiner ’12 made everyone believe he is a Track runner as he caught a few hucks just within the bounds of the frisbee field and physics itself. He then tried to force everyone to believe he was a really cool guy. “I’m a really cool guy!” pleaded Joiner after the game. “We know,” said everyone else.
Old School vs. Team Phenom: 7-6
This game went down to the wire. The wire was very thin, made of nickel, and paramagnetic. In fact, one could orient this wire easily with a magnetic field if one was interested. In fact, a magnetic field would orient the wire similarly to the way the wind oriented Team Phenom at the last point of the game, which was very strictly in the opposite direction they had intended on moving. On a good side note, Team Phenom members will never have to study physics again as they all now understand the fundamentals of magnetism. Shit attracts other shit, duh.