Sports

The Frisbee Report

IMAGE BY ALEX HUNTER. Members of Tron and Prison B*tches utilize time during the game to rehearse a Chelonia routine. Kyle Dallman ’13 (right) plays an indignant hunchback, searching with vanity to be accepted into society. The hunchback looks for friendship in the Prince, played by Turner Smith ’13. The Prince, however, is more interested in the blonde bar maid he met last week, Malcolm Yates ’13, as he looks to sweep her off her feet and into his arms.

By Ari Jacobs
SPORTS EDITOR

Selected Games

4/2/11

Raptor Point vs. Reggie Kush: 0-?

BSFFA members entered the field clad in armor made of jean shorts and sweaters, thrashing in the air what might have been a long sword in an alternate, creepy universe. “We shall suck the life from these miserable saplings!” declared one sorcerer hailing from Wood D tower. Other cries of “for Frodo!” and “don’t let Zion fall!” rang out from Raptor Point players. The Reggie Kush freshmen were unflappable, however, and they lined up seven on the field. “for mother!” the freshmen shouted, who then spent the next hour making the Raptor Point members realize that larping doesn’t meet their cardiovascular needs.

Sticks and Stones vs. A Salt and Battery: 5-4

At one point in the game, local tyrant William Ksander ’13 caught a frisbee in the air and slammed it maniacally onto the face of the person beneath him. “I think you broke my nose,” said Rebecca Rusk ’12, who then selfishly paused the game to blood-paint a portrait of herself on the grass. Ksander made it up to Rusk by spiking the disc on the ground, flexing his biceps, and shouting out to the onlookers, “oh yeah, you like that? ”

A Salt and Battery members were thrilled to lose for the first time in their new, ballin’ green shirts.

Hot Snatch vs. Manifest Destiny: 13-2

Like any good friend would do, Michael Crumrine ’13 deserted Hot Snatch to assist his would be opponents on the Phi Psi frisbee team. His efforts were not completely futile as he did manage to score a blistering red sunburn on the tip of his nose.

Josh Davis ’12 finally showed up for his first Hot Snatch frisbee game. Coming onto the field, Davis, wearing grey at the time, remarked to his teammates wearing pink, “yeah, f*ck pink.” Hot Snatch members, having pondered Davis’s existence only for a brief moment, didn’t think much of the comment.

F*ck Tron vs. WTF: Rescheduled

Tron reportedly spent their newly acquired time having a “cutesy little slumber party” on the fourth floor of Peet. They spent the afternoon cuddled up in the lounge under blankets, watching “The Beauty and the Beast” and drinking hot cocoa with each other. “Oh my God, we have the most adorable team!” said Paul Remington ’13, teary-eyed, after their sleepover.

4/3/11

Avatar vs. Sodali-toss: 7-5

Having only shown up for their game with five players, Sodali-toss recruited frisbee referees Ari Jacobs ’12 and Jon VanTreeck ’13 to play for them. Jacobs and VanTreeck contributed substantially to Sodali-toss by decreasing the average height of the team by several inches. Anthony Racine ’13 of Avatar enjoyed throwing bombs across the field in the longest game of monkey in the middle that frisbee reporter Jacobs could ever remember.

Team Phenom vs. Purple Reign: 4-9

After the game, the football players of Phenom and Purple Reign challenged each other to a benching contest. Dillon Hess ’13 of Phenom represented his team first by grabbing a fellow teammate and benching him forty times with his left arm only. He then impressed spectators with his blatant disregard for human dignity as he subsequently performed a javelin throw using his teammate. It was then Purple Reign’s turn, represented by Jared McCannon ’12. McCannon calmly lowered himself onto the bench, closed his eyes, and shocked the onlookers as he miraculously benched himself ten times. Purple Reign took the victory.

Seven Wonders vs. Tribe: 13-2

Joe Emery ’11 made sure everyone on the field knew he was from Texas by yelling expletives indiscriminately to no one in particular, and crying out “F*ck the Union!” every time he scored a point. Added Joe after the game, “Yeehaw!”

Tribe was exemplary in their failure to tan, as each of their shirtless players remained white as sin after hours of playing Saturday and Sunday. Said one saddened and disappointed Supreme Being, “What have I created?”

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